Happy New Year!

I can't quite believe it is coming to the end of 2008. It's the same old story that its gone so quickly but seems to have lasted forever.

I can honestly say that i have loved it and hated it in equal measures and a great deal of the year was tinged with a great deal of sadness and frustration. I've not told too many people (sorry if you're reading it here for the first time) but i had an epiphany in July when i was diagnosed with Post Natal Depression - 2 years after the birth of my son.

Some of the hating parts include some friends desperately trying to get pregnant (and still trying) another finding out that they had lost a baby during pregnancy, wanting to punch more than one person at work (and not!!) shouting at a member of my family for daring to suggest that I might want to plant my cabbages a bit faster (sorry Dad :() struggling, fighting and sometimes losing to a number of my demons - I do so worry about a lot of people, not that I manage to always tell them in a useful way - and somehow losing touch with an awful lot of people (one or two I will find it hard ever to forgive and who absolutely should have known better.....)

Having said all that I have loved much of 2008 too.

• I celebrated my 33rd birthday in January in New York
• Spent a holiday in March in Portugal with my fab family (although I'm sure I stressed over it and at it more than was entirely normal - see paragraph above about PND..)
• Had a successful and far more relaxed holiday with the 'olds' (mum and dad) in September, (note to self - exactly how many holidays did you go on this year?!!)
• Became god-mother to beautiful Arun,
• Holli becoming a mommy to Laurie, Leila to James & Becky to Lola Rose (bless her minxyness!)
• Jane & Andy and Jo & Jamie getting married
  
• Wednesday afternoon playdates with 'Janey and Thaniel'
  
• Growing - potatoes, carrots, cabbages, sprouts, parsnips, beans, peas, broad beans, sweetcorn, chard, pumpkins, butternut squash - amongst other things on my allotment,
  
• Spending days with Andi making Jam (thanks Hun, i loved it!!)
• Celebrating our 3rd anniversary in June
• Dave reaching the birthday of 'no-return' in July (long story)
• managing to finally visit Jules and Scott in Scotland with Seb (seriously, how many holidays?!!!)
  
• and watching the beautiful, fantastic Sebastian growing into a young man full of spirit and confidence.

I have of course shared all of these trails, tribulations and joys with my husband, who accepts my madness's with an admirable amount of simplicity. All he needs to do now is share in my annual planning for the New Year (which he utterly, utterly hates btw) - and as always I have such high hopes and expectations...... just an hour left to go before the rest of my life begins!!

(Note to self - it has just occurred to me that I invest such a huge amount of my life and time in my work yet not much of that appeared in my years review......)

Christmas eve-eve

I think I'm ready for Christmas.

Not that I've had to do too much this year as we're off to Dave's mums for Christmas day then my parents for Boxing day and the following few days. I was going to work on Christmas Eve, but it seems pretty pointless as the people who were at work today were on a go slow. I'd prefer not to do anything than do something slowly.

I told the nursery tonight that Seb wouldn't be joining then tomorrow, which apparently leaves their numbers at 3 children which I imagine will be very quiet (especially as my noisy boy wont be there!!) I asked Seb today what he wanted to do instead and he asked to go to the beach. So tomorrow morning, on Christmas Eve i will take him to Lepe.

I think he has an amazing memory, far better than mine and definitely much better than his fathers. The weekend before last when we were in Scotland we told the children that we were going to the Beach - but at some point during the walk we changed our minds and went to the petting zoo instead (for some light petting, there were children around!) Although we told the little ones, Seb was not happy about the decision and wasn't afraid to let me know but by then it was too late and we were nearly back at Jules and Scott's house. Since then he has asked several times when we are going to go to the beach and i have put him off (y'know in that frankly annoying parenty manner "we'll go the beach..... soon") so i guess it's the least i can do. Besides I love Lepe. It's my 'running away' place - and it would be nice to make it my 'running to' place.... not that I actually intend actually running there.

Speaking of running, on monday I ran for 20 mins. One giant step for Tara and all that. I'm chuffed, it nearly killed me but I did it and am being proud of myself. Think I may make that into my New years resolution, just need to get the first holiday out of the way before thinking of the next one!!

Pre-festive cheer?

It's been a while since I last posted. Its not that I haven't thought about it (a lot!) it's that Ive not quite got round to deciding upon an idea.... see post below about procrastination v perfectionism!!

Since the last time we've been really busy visiting friends in Scotland and trying to sort everything out in time for Christmas. I totally underestimated how long it would take to wrap the presents this year. Thought it would take about 2 hours..... 4 hours later I was still at it and it's still not finished! If I'm not careful I'm not going to be ready.

I think most of the panic was caused by the realisation this week that it is actually Christmas day next week. Until that point I had been doing a little bit of preparation here and a bit there, nothing too strenuous. I was sat in a team meeting on Tuesday talking about the allocation of work and the teams whereabouts for the following week - when one pointed out that she wouldn't be in next Thursday or Friday. I couldn't understand it, they hadn't requested the leave. The team thought it hilarious that i genuinely had no idea...... no change there then!!

Of course it coming up to Christmas saw the works Christmas meal. Not a party as such, but a lunchtime sit down affair. A large group of staff from across the business went to a casino in Southampton. The venue was a little different from the usual and we got some vouchers for roulette and some free drinks included. I still regret missing breakfast and ordering a coke and getting a large glass of wine before 12.00..... surprisingly I'm not too hungover this morning.

It is funny though that too much alcohol can bring out characteristics in people that are normally well hidden. After everyone else had left, I ended up staying in the casino with one of my colleagues. We had both had too much wine - but at some point i managed to incorporate some water. I'm sure I said a lot of things that I shouldn't have - and she certainly did. There was a lot of tears (hers, not mine) and lots of revelation, that although I thought I knew this person pretty well came as a total surprise.

It has made me consider whether you can really know someone at all, whether alcohol makes you more honest or whether it just brings out a slanted view of your personality. Either way, last night was not full of festive cheer.......

(PS. Having said all that, it did end with a colleague mooning both myself and her boss, falling over into the car and then the gutter, which did make me more thankful for the water!!)

Control freakary - or just plain freakary?

Hello, my name is Tara and I'm a control freak.

There I've said it. I have a need to be in control, to do it on my terms (whatever they are) or else not do it at all. Mostly, I can get away with it and no-one need know the internal struggle occurring but sometimes I have leakage - today quite literally!

Nick asked me to train today in the area of the gym today that i really don't like - it has something (still unexplained) to do with the floor (black, vile, grubby - so that's explained it then!) and it being, despite the high ceilings claustrophobic. He then asked me to do something I really don't like doing, surrounded by quite a few people and I proceeded to freak out.

I tried to do what i was asked - I really did, but my mind just wouldn't let me and I physically just stopped functioning and then cried. Like a girl.

Poor Nick, coped with it as the consummate professional that he is and whisked me away to a slightly more open, less people, less mirrored part of the gym and let me take my frustrations with myself on his best kettlebell (Don't knock it until you've tried it!!)

I'm actually a strong believer in mind over matter (child birth with no pain relief anyone?!!) but what do you do when it is your mind that is the matter?

Affairs of the heart?

Busted, I have a new man in my life.

He's tall, dark, handsome (and now big headed!!) and fit - literally, he's my Personal Trainer, Nick . This week 'the office' found out that I was regularly meeting a mystery man and were 'gossipy curious' as to what was going on to the point that one of them threatened to follow me to my session at the gym.

I suppose it was my reaction to being caught out that really sparked their interest. I was chattering like a monkey and pretty flustered, which for me is unusual - but i didn't want the world (well the world that is my workplace!) to know that I'm trying to get fitter. If i really was 'seeing' someone else though i think I'd be much better able to fob them off - definitely something you'd want to plan for!

It did make think though, as at least 3 of my friends really are having affairs. One of my friends is sleeping with her bestfriend's husband, another, several people I know - and I just don't get it. Lets get one thing clear, my husband is pretty much the only relationship that I've been in that hasn't 'overlapped' so I'm not exactly Snow White (although I did wear an outfit like hers to a young farmers ball a million years ago!) in that department. Essentially it just makes me sad and a bit cross. Sad for them and so sad for their spouses who don't know (probably). Cross, because by having liaisons that are secret from their better halves, they are taking a choice away from someone else (the one whether to stay or go and be happy elsewhere) and that's just unfair, devious and actually pretty selfish.

I guess that's the nub of it. I can empathise but i can't seem to sympathise (or is it the other way around?!) about their situations. Harsh as it sounds at some point we have to take responsibility and accountability for our actions. By all means cheat, lie and have enormous abouts of fun - I certainly don't judge you for that -but please don't expect me to feel too sorry when it goes horribly wrong (which statistically it will) because you made bad choices.

Three pieces of advise I've been given over the years have particularly stuck with me and are particularly apt here. One was from someone way more harsh than even me, (Cheers Brian!) who once said "don't crap on your own doorstep", the second "life is too short to be in the wrong relationship" from some shockingly bad self help book and the other, from one of my very good and way much more philosophical friends who said (and apologies to Scott for paraphrasing) "Honour is a man's gift to himself"

So for the moment, I'm behaving honourably (although I think the office jury is out!) are you?

****Added sometime later****
Wonderful hubby has just pointed out that the best way to cover up an assignation would be to blog that there is nothing going on. Apparently you can deny something a little too vociferously. I say "apparently you can't win!"

The wanderer shall return....... soon

Wonderful hubby returns from the States tomorrow and frankly he sounds a state. On the phone earlier, the poor chap likened it to working the night shift. He's never been that adaptable to new sleeping patterns and places and even travelling business class didn't seem to make it any easier for him....... I told him that he should have drunk more champagne!

I actually count one of my special talents as being able to sleep pretty much anywhere, through anything. In fact I really did sleep through an earthquake once whilst in Nepal. The first i knew about it was a report in the Kathmandu News the next day..... hmm, at least I know the earth moves in other ways :)

It's been both a lovely but tough week. Seb really does know exactly how to take advantage of me whilst Daddy is away. Obviously he only does it because I let him, but he's getting quite cheeky with it too - "Mummy, I NEED to watch Lazy town, now".

Tomorrow morning will see the putting up and decorating of the Christmas tree as a surprise for Dave. I hate Christmas decorations. To be fair, i'm not exactly a fan of Christmas and all the other associated faf. I don't mind others being excited and going on about it - just please don't expect me to join in! Last year Dave gave me a very stern warning that 2007 would be the last year that we didn't bother with the whole decoration thing. For the record, stern warnings are rare in chez Tomley so I listen to them very carefully!! Anywho, i'm going to get Seb involved and hope the tree doesn't end up on his head :(

I'm not sure that he knows Daddy will be home tomorrow as i've tried not to be confusing about it in case the plane is delayed or the taxi driver can't find Southampton (turn left at the airport.) but it'll be interesting to see who gets cross about not having my attention first. Mind you, I could be wrong, they could spend the afternoon together and I could get the afternoon off........ fat chance!!

Perfectionism or procrastination?!

Well, I've started...... finally. I almost didn't ever get around to typing on this blog as i've been trying to decide what it should be about, what is ok to include, what colours to choose, how often to write, what font, whether it was ok to start a sentance with 'And', which pictures, blah, blah, blah, you get the idea!

So there you go, having decided to blog almost 2 years ago, its begun. And as usual the actual starting was much more simple than the endless (almost!) agonising over the detail that I can apply to everything.

Do you know what it's taught me? All that stuff doesn't matter and that I should just get on with it. Just break the cycle woman and celebrate the achievement :)