The self preservation society.

I'm feeling particularly harsh this evening. As I'm sat here having just stuffed a piece (at least a quarter) of a very large cake and on my second pint of cider, I'm wallowing in self pity and not feeling all that chipper. I don't like much, am being pretty critical and probably shouldn't be blogging. Shouldn't wouldn't couldn't.

In addition to breaking both my new years resolutions in one fail swoop, I think I'm a large part hormonal, part drained from some 'people issues' at work as well as being tired. Which i think brings me to the point, i am my own worst enemy. Instead of going to bed i want to make the most of every single moment and fill it with stuff.....

But I'm not alone. At least 2 of my pals are going through some sucky times. and without exception they have brought it upon themselves and are then not helping themselves - AND are feeling sorry for themselves. Interesting..... I'm not being hypocritical either as I am doing it myself. The situations are very, very different. but have some very similar threads running through and it makes me contemplate if there is something inherent in humans / human behaviour that makes us try and scupper our best intentions. In effect, become our worst enemies.

My own example is around losing weight. I want to.

I have invested in a PT. good. Been making myself go to the gym. also good. Then, totally stuffing my face like its an Olympic sport. So, not good.

Logically, it should be easy to lose weight - what goes in must equate to less than what goes out. I know there are 3500 (or so) calories in a pound of body weight. That i should move more and eat / drink less. I know, I know, I know. But, I keep sabotaging myself.....

Another example (not mine i hasten to add!!) a friend had been sleeping with his pals wife. Affair ended not too nicely - no-one actually any the wiser but losts of suspicions. Pal decides that perhaps the past should stay in the past and tries to 'make friends again' but friend keeps dropping hints that he's slept with his wife.... why? To punish himself? to punish the pal? to prove that it happened, to himself? who knows why.

So the advice, especially to self. Either do it, or don't. Just stop pretending it's something else. Stop making it harder, stop being a jack ass (I did see your facebook status!) just stop. Even if there is a seemingly good reason for the pretence. Make a choice, be clear (and as Andi would say, "be specific") then Just Fucking Do It - a little less conversation a little more action please.......

P.S It's as simple or as complicated as you make it.

Having it all V doing it all

I wondered how long it would be before blogging in 2009. Only wondered as, as usual I have thought about it many times and many times its the wrong place or the wrong time. But I suppose that's the point, making time in order to achieve the things I love doing rather than those that I feel compelled to do by the very virtue of being me.

I must confess that I do find it difficult to fit everything 'I need to and want to' in and find an OK balance between the two. I was listening to an article on radio 4 the other day (I am sometimes allowed a break from "my programmes mummy") where the woman being interviewed was discussing how she thought women could have it all, but as a consequence they end up 'doing' it all. This really struck a chord.

I do think I have it all. My life isn't everyones cup of decaff latte, but it's what works for me. Saying all that, I do sometimes really struggle to fit it all in - and actually in reality, what I find hard is asking for help. Take last week for example, I was hoping for a gentle introduction to 2009, the reality was 3 major pieces of work - all important, all urgent, all a big deal (in my work world!!) and all for people I'm not going to say no to. The result was working until midnight every night last week to get it all done. And I did.

This isn't a piece about poor Tara. Far from it, what I have learnt is that I know I have a choice. I have made choices. I got pretty stressed out part way through the week (the bit where the end seems so far away!) but on Friday night when it was all over I was done. The point is, that I think if I want to (continue to) have it all I might need to develop my understanding of not needing to actually 'do it all' to 'have it all'....

On a different note, I've started making a list of all the things I've ever wanted to do and haven't quite done yet. If anyone fancies doing one too and comparing I'd be delighted. Perhaps we could do some stuff together - there's nothing like a commitment to another to get things done!