Bloody hell, that wasn’t meant to happen..........

So to start, all the smear test results were ok (seriously get your smear done) so thats a massive plus in the bonkers journey of late. What is slightly more confusing is the conversation with the Doctor at my surgery who specialises in the menopause.

Dr ‘So you’re calling about HRT?’
Me ‘Not exactly, I don’t know what that is’
Dr ‘Its not as awful as some people make out’
Me ‘Urm ok, but I still dont know what that is - can we start again? I’m not sure that’s why I am calling, I mean I might be but I just need some advice on next steps......’
Dr ‘Well you need to decide whether you want to take HRT......’
Me ‘I dont know how to do that as I dont know what it is or what it’s for’
Dr ‘I can give you a leaflet’

So I go and read the leaflet (which doesn’t really help if I’m honest) and try looking up menopause on the net and have a large glass of gin instead. I know I’m not that old and as all the medical professionals keep saying ‘nothing is definitive (there isn’t a comprehensive test for it) and if it is that then its really really early’  but geez getting advice type help is painful. It’s almost like women before have never been through this stuff before!! I have been trying to improve my diet and for the short-term stopped alcohol - and one of the biggest on going challenges for me has been how it has knocked against my identity - I am still a vital, sexy badass, albeit one who is actually passing into a different phase of being.

What was interesting though, is that as soon as the Doctor confirmed that peri-menopause was a possibility, not only did the symptoms make sense, somehow it made them much more bearable. For a while I genuinely thought I was losing the plot and as I said before I felt similar to how i felt with PND.
Forward wind a few more weeks and queue another random conversation in September with the Doctor about periods.....

Dr ‘when did you last have a period?’
Me ‘13 years ago’
Dr ‘you’ve not had a period for 13 years?’
Me ‘no, I have a Merina coil’
Dr ‘well after 5 years it wont be stopping your periods so we might as well take it out’
Me ‘are you sure? I very much appreciate not having periods, they used to make me mental to the point of feeling suicidal’
Dr ‘yes, its ineffective and if you’re not having periods now its because they’ve stopped and down to the peri-menopause’
Me ‘well if you are sure..........!!’

Well, you’ve probably guessed - for the first time in 13 and a half years today I found myself in a chemist trying to navigate sanitary products. I’d forgotten what it was like to have to try and work out what and which to choose. I cried in the chemist as it was too overwhelming. All of it.

To be fair it was a culmination of a perfect storm of a shit week or so - I’ve been hormonal, shocked by how I’ve felt, wrestling between the feeling of being out of control emotionally whilst desperately trying to keep (an overly tight) grip on normality which frankly makes me a bit manic, throw in a difficult relationship or two and self selecting sobriety - and my usual act of juggling 30 plates was (Is!) seriously in danger of crashing. Oh and I’ve been trying to lose weight - and so far its resulted in a pound (3 weeks, 1lb) apparently its because its harder when you’re old (love you friend who told me that!) and that well maybe the case - except after coming to terms with all those facts, my body is changing its mind. Whilst I’m pretty comfortable with shades of uncertainly most of the time - sometimes I crave of something straight forward a definitive answer to what’s going on. This time I’m not going to get so the answer might be to seek simplicity, giving myself time and being as kind to myself as I am to others............