The camera never lies - or what it is to feel sexy.

Last week, to celebrate reaching my wedding weight and as a belated birthday present for my husband, I stood in front of an almost stranger in my underwear in a field and had my photo taken!

In the weeks running up to it I was kinda nervous - in hindsight I was more nervous about making sure I had everything in place (no pun intended!)....all the stuff you need to stand semi-naked in a barn in Hampshire!!

I'm not sure what I thought I was expecting - but the whole experience wasn't like it at all! The photographer geezer (for that is forever how he will be known to me!) was amazing. There are more traits in people than I care to admit that I dislike, but David Goff (aka photo geezer) didn't do anything to irk me. And that truly is a modern day miracle...he even let me listen to Placebo!!

The funniest recollection of the afternoon of the shoot still has to be me proclaiming how unsexy looking sexy can be. or maybe that's a reflection on what sexy really is to each of us and what it means. For example, I'm wearing the most amazing corset - nothing fancy, but beautifully made, expensive - and feeling really comfortable in it, except to move, well do anything in apart from stand! And the shoes............I have, what I consider to be the most amazingly beautiful impractical platform goth shoes that look great to stand in and lie down in, but not move in. which is difficult to go from standing to well, not!

Any maybe that's the crux of the issue....I couldn't move well. I'm used to flexibility, to hiding any vulnerability behind agitated movements and to fluidity. I think the fluidity is the key in that bunch - sexiness to me involves fluidity, a freedom of everything. The other key ingredient, perhaps THE key ingredient that was missing was an engagement with an individual.

The very very professional photo geezer shoots from behind a camera (and most of the time i was utterly unaware of what he was doing, let alone taking pictures of!) and so there is little human interaction, feedback or response. Although thinking about it, in the light that it is a professional relationship - I'm not sure what else would have been 'appropriate' - but either way, I conclude I need interaction to feel sexy. which i guess means I feel sexy if someone finds me sexy. or interesting. or funny. and not just dressed as I was, however 'sexy' I looked.

Hub and I went to see the pictures a few days later - and frankly, without trying to sound like a narcissist or an arrogant wanker - they are amazing, and beautiful and sexy (a true testament to photo geezer!)

Whoever said beauty is only skin deep had a point you know. Looking sexy and feeling sexy were, for me at least separate. I do wonder however how much better they could have been if the looking and feeling matched up................although I'm sure something else neurotic would have stepped in to mess it up!

But honestly, all's well that ends well - the pics are amazing. I love them. And hub loves them....and I get a bucket full of interaction from him!!!!!

25 random things about me......

I was sent a random things about me challenge a few months ago and I stuck it on my facebook account. I found it today and decided that I haven't changed much over the past 6 months and I really like my list!! So, 25 random things about me.......

1. Last autumn was the first 'real' grown up holiday we've had in the UK. I've travelled all over the world and visited some amazing places but have really missed out on places much closer to home.

2. I'm not sure i know how to relax. The things i've tried to enable me to learn end up having quite the opposite effect.

3. I am a very lucky person. Fact.

4. I am an extremely loyal person, and i will accept a lot of grief from some people... however I can't be bothered with some others. There isn't any exact rationale behind the selection criteria and heaven help you if you go from in to out :)

5. I'm highly motivated but even after a lot of analysis am not sure exactly what motivates me.

6. I am honest and find those that aren't hard to stomach. The truth will out.

7. I feel really strongly about fairness and that what goes around comes around. Not that i really understand the last part of that sentance!

8. Coffee rocks. I love it but it's still a new discovery!

9. Mr Tumble scares me. It's just not right.

10. I believe that people enter my life when i need them.

11. I hate hate hate marmite, even the smell.

12. I don't get Kate Moss.

13. We were in New york the weekend Heath Ledger died.

14. Once i've decided I want to do something I need to do it straight away - Instant gratification is big in my book!

15. I would have liked to have worked with animals but i'm allergic to almost everything.

16. I miss smoking. If it didn't kill you or was so disgusting I would still be doing it! I'm glad that smoking was allowed in pubs when i was growing up as i associate it with meeting some fab people... but wouldnt want it in pubs now.

17. I don't like people being hypocritical and more importantly unaware that they are being hypocrytical. and i am aware that point

16 makes me a hypocrite!!

18. I love my allotment and would like to be able to spend more of my time there.

19. I admire my husband more than anyone else in the world. He is amazing.

20. Whilst not a stereotypically a girly girl, my surprising guilty pleasure is for films including cyote ugly and a knights tale and tv programmes such as 'top model' and project runway / catwalk!

21. I compulsively check my email, facebook, twitter......etc!

22. My life is my choice.

23. I have worked for the same organisation for 11 years but have changed jobs regularly.

24. Bath is one of my favourite places and going there always feels like coming home. I'm really glad we got married there as it makes it more special.

25. My boys are my life.

Does time really fly? and are we having fun yet?!

wow wee, where has time gone? I was literally surprised at my own last post - both because I don't remember writing it and at how long ago I did. Thanks to Julia P for the prod to get back to it :)

Life passes, just sometimes it seems to go a heck of a lot faster than I'd like. Or maybe not. I'm in a good place mentally at the moment and this seems to coincide with the feeling of the speed of the passing of time.

I had the realisation earlier today that at my next birthday I will reach a personal milestone. Its not one of the usual milestones that seem to upset people (I will definitely not be 40!!) but in conjunction with the heart rate monitor I am currently wearing, the realisation forced an internal shudder. A shudder as to aging, to mortality and a shudder about what that may or may not mean concerning the way I choose to interpret it. When I decide, I commit to blog about the journey!!

It also forced me to think differently about something I am doing next week. I have booked to have some pictures taken and had made it into quite a big deal - and by big i really do mean massive deal - in my head, but no more. I am what i am, and considering i will never be more vital than I am at the current time, I will utterly make sure that it is what it is and i have fun with it....... otherwise, clothes or no clothes, there really is little point.............

The other love of my life....

I blog here about my vegetables (mostly) and sometimes about my family & work - but i do have another often well hidden passion, and that's Placebo. I love them. In fact, I often sit at my desk with my ipod on letting the genius wash all over me.....

Certain of you (who will remain nameless) have been taking the piss about my enthusiasm recently - but I really don't care. The music stirs something in me that literally no other band can. and that in my book is serious! People are passionate about so many different things and there is some music that really really appeals to my more edgy side - y'know that is mostly hidden from general consumption but comes out when it's dark and very late.

I digress, Hub and I ventured out recently to see the great band themselves at the Boscombe Opera House. Having been forced to sell my soul for tickets on ebay (and eat a McDonalds - but that is another story!) and queue (which I am very good at but hate) I can honestly say it was THE best gig i have ever been to. We were really close to the front, had a top view and I was so excited that I literally bounced on the spot for the entire set. And they didnt disappoint. placebo rocks. awesome.

The trouble with such brilliance, is that it does come to an end. Not them, but the concert and I was left with a huge placebo shaped whole for at least the entire summer and potentially forever as there hadn't been any tour plans.

Until today that it is.... I received an email announcing a tour, in the UK, at the beginning of December. And my friends, I will be there. In Birmingham, with bells on. Excited and bouncy once again. Rock and Roll!

A tidy mind?

I think I have a gene missing. I am an exceptionally untidy person by nature - the trouble i seem to have is that my messiness seems to happen when I'm not paying attention.

Take yesterday for example, i spent the entire morning cleaning and clearing. Four solid hours of shifting, straightening, dusting, washing and by the end of it the house looked reasonable. Not anally perfect and certainly not spotless but acceptable enough to welcome our guests for the weekend.

I went out yesterday afternoon (so unable to mess things up) and when I returned home with Sebastian, the house already had signs that the not-so-tidy-nymphs (as opposed to the tidying fairies) had been round for a coffee (2 cups - how?!) made themselves lunch and had what can only be described as a party in the dining room.

This morning (having complained to DH last evening that the place was already in need of a tidy - to receive the response 'we'll do it tomorrow, i mean there is little point when there will be playing tomorrow!') I'm sat typing in the lounge and already (less than 24 hours later) I'm surrounded by the following which are currently out of place......

• 2 toast plates
• ring
• mobile phone
• cereal bar bowl
• bottle of undrunk milk
• 1 pair clean socks
• 2 remote controls
• 2 coffee cups
• 1 coat
• 2 cushions on the floor
• 1 birthday card (fell out of laptop bag)
• 2 books
• 1 cartridge
• 4 DVDs on the floor
• 1 ballooncupblaster
• 3 cars
• a laptop bag
• extension lead and
• pair of shoes

and that's just the lounge, its a similar story all over the house.

Some people don't mind being surrounded by stuff. I have a friend who seems to thrive in chaos. Their house is cluttered, random, untidy and dusty - and it doesn't bother them. Their priorities are elsewhere. I like being at their house, it is full of love and laughter; however after a while I start to feel claustrophobic. I'm certain that a large part of that down to a dust and pet allergy, their house makes me feel itchy and in need of fresh air.

I need to feel as though I am surrounded by space and having a (relatively) clear and tidy house contributes to this. I hate most ornaments, shunning them more in favour of photos or simple pieces and see them as more stuff to dust - well collect dust in my case.

In addition, I wouldn't like to be judged by those I welcome into our home for not being perfectly clean or tidy - which is odd as I know that I am messy, I know what I am. If anyone comes into our house, I always without exception apologise for 'the state of the house' - even if I spend the preceding days cleaning and tidying.

It would be much easier to be messy and not be bothered by it but I am messy and it really bugs me and I get so cross.

I often decide to try harder to clear as I go along. The longest it has ever lasted is 4 tasks and then my mind is off somewhere else and I'm planning something else rather than focusing on the 'doing' (whist still doing)...... ooooh, a light bulb moment.

I've always had a thing about the fact that DH is always so happy. Scarily so to my rather cynical emotional pallet. He maintains that it's due to him being a simple soul and his ability to live in the now. I tend to over analyse and over complicate - and perhaps I apply this to all aspects of my life including the house.

So, to simplify, I have decided to get a cleaner. It sounds such an obvious choice now that I've written it down - and one that will fix half my problem. I wonder though where though I can hire a tidying fairy.... any suggestions?

An early season vegetable excitment post. Not for the normal amongst you.

Its been almost a full two months since I last scribed on my blog - shame on me. Life is pretty good at the moment which I think could indicate that I've been living it and not over analysing it - either that or the stuff that is really bugging me is libelous or particularly hurtful about how i feel about some others (I've always been a bitter old crow and I'm trying the 'if you don't have anything good to say' approach - it's new and is certain not to last!)

One thing I am really pleased about is my much improved mood of late. I've taken some really proactive health choices and those in combination with a promotion and more sunlight has really cheered me up. Now to see how long that lasts!

And, some very exciting news on the allotment front....small fanfare.... I've finally got around to ordering a greenhouse. The crunch point was running out of space to grow seeds in the kitchen, coupled with yet another 'for Gods sake' from Hub. It's a 6 x 8 (the greenhouse, obviously) nothing too flash, bog standard - critically with safety glass to fend off the foodballs (i obviously meant footballs but liked this mistype!) which i am sure will regularly crash right through onto the plants lurking within.

Taking up my attention at the moment on the plant front are.... tomatoes, pumpkins, sunflowers, lettuce and carrots (all on the windowsill at work!) artichokes, cucumbers, courgettes (i had to sow more seeds having gotten mixed up between cucumbers and courgettes earlier in the season) more tomatoes, onions, sweetcorn and purple cauliflowers, on all available surfaces attracting sunlight in the kitchen. I'd argue that the soil is sterile but somehow I'm doubting I'd currently pass a food hygiene certificate at the moment. oh well, not long now until the glass loveliness arrives - and then the bloody faff about getting it up (oo-er!) I might have to get a man in to do that...... cue Gary (our best-man who owns a building type business!)

All I need to do now is actually get some of the plants into the ground.....prepare, dig, plant, weed, fertilise, weed, water, pick off the pests, weed, water, KILL SLUGS (this years chosen method is cutting them in half with scissors!), weed, feed, water, realise you have no idea what you're doing it all for, water, weed, weed, weed, try not to get banned from having an allotment, nick the next door neighbours raspberries, water, weed, realise I'd prefer a Chinese than a vegetable lasagna.....yet again! But, having said all that and all the effort that goes into it (and it is a lot!) I love it and find it so utterly rewarding, it makes a fab change from shuffling bits of paper around (electronically usually!) and having nothing tangible to show for it.

The thing that still never fails to amaze me is that I can put seeds into soil and they grow into plants. I know it sounds pretty crap but its AMAZING, and wondrous and incredible and, and, and. In fact i find it so great that i don't have enough words to describe how brilliant i think it is!! Hub finds it funny as he thinks that human creation is much more impressive, but I'm stuck on the wonder of my plants. I think it's because I can see their progress. A baby scan at 20 weeks and an ever expanding tummy seemed a bit surreal, whilst the progress and evidence of my courgettes is plain to see.

Oh, no. I've just had a horrible thought. Some people have pets as baby substitutes - do I have plant baby substitutes? oh, hang on - we have a baby - phew. I do love my plants though - but I wouldn't eat a baby...... unless it were made of jelly..........

Home alone.....and guilty as hell!

I'm a pretty driven individual. I need to be on top of things, know what I'm doing, be in charge. All that goes out of the window the moment that Hub goes away for a few days when the only one to boss around is myself!

He's away with work at the moment - somewhere in Kent I think.... I clearly wasn't paying attention in class :) I have to confess that I don't miss him. Not for the few days that he's away, I actually like the house like this, all quiet. It feels different, less claustrophobic, less chaotic. Which I think is relative as our home is pretty silent really most of the time.

Anyways, I digress. The achieving thing. When I realised that he wasn't coming home tonight (this morning - I really wasn't paying attention!!) I quickly made a list of the things in the house that were bugging me. A little pile of stuff here, a pile of clean washing there - and vowed either to tidy up or do my application form (my job is being advertised, it's good form to show willing!!) and so far i have faffed. A lot on facebook, some grazing through the ap, clearing out the potato cupboard (I think i have found the source of the annoying flies that keep bothering me!) tidied Dave's bathroom (well folded up the towels) and generally achieved nothing - except guilt.

I conclude that I am amazing at wasting time whilst feeling guilty about it. I always feel that I should be doing something else - more, more more. hmmm shoulda, woulda, coulda. Maybe one day I'll feel OK about giving myself the evening off........ doubt it somehow. And to be honest I don't think I actually think I know what that means.

The self preservation society.

I'm feeling particularly harsh this evening. As I'm sat here having just stuffed a piece (at least a quarter) of a very large cake and on my second pint of cider, I'm wallowing in self pity and not feeling all that chipper. I don't like much, am being pretty critical and probably shouldn't be blogging. Shouldn't wouldn't couldn't.

In addition to breaking both my new years resolutions in one fail swoop, I think I'm a large part hormonal, part drained from some 'people issues' at work as well as being tired. Which i think brings me to the point, i am my own worst enemy. Instead of going to bed i want to make the most of every single moment and fill it with stuff.....

But I'm not alone. At least 2 of my pals are going through some sucky times. and without exception they have brought it upon themselves and are then not helping themselves - AND are feeling sorry for themselves. Interesting..... I'm not being hypocritical either as I am doing it myself. The situations are very, very different. but have some very similar threads running through and it makes me contemplate if there is something inherent in humans / human behaviour that makes us try and scupper our best intentions. In effect, become our worst enemies.

My own example is around losing weight. I want to.

I have invested in a PT. good. Been making myself go to the gym. also good. Then, totally stuffing my face like its an Olympic sport. So, not good.

Logically, it should be easy to lose weight - what goes in must equate to less than what goes out. I know there are 3500 (or so) calories in a pound of body weight. That i should move more and eat / drink less. I know, I know, I know. But, I keep sabotaging myself.....

Another example (not mine i hasten to add!!) a friend had been sleeping with his pals wife. Affair ended not too nicely - no-one actually any the wiser but losts of suspicions. Pal decides that perhaps the past should stay in the past and tries to 'make friends again' but friend keeps dropping hints that he's slept with his wife.... why? To punish himself? to punish the pal? to prove that it happened, to himself? who knows why.

So the advice, especially to self. Either do it, or don't. Just stop pretending it's something else. Stop making it harder, stop being a jack ass (I did see your facebook status!) just stop. Even if there is a seemingly good reason for the pretence. Make a choice, be clear (and as Andi would say, "be specific") then Just Fucking Do It - a little less conversation a little more action please.......

P.S It's as simple or as complicated as you make it.

Having it all V doing it all

I wondered how long it would be before blogging in 2009. Only wondered as, as usual I have thought about it many times and many times its the wrong place or the wrong time. But I suppose that's the point, making time in order to achieve the things I love doing rather than those that I feel compelled to do by the very virtue of being me.

I must confess that I do find it difficult to fit everything 'I need to and want to' in and find an OK balance between the two. I was listening to an article on radio 4 the other day (I am sometimes allowed a break from "my programmes mummy") where the woman being interviewed was discussing how she thought women could have it all, but as a consequence they end up 'doing' it all. This really struck a chord.

I do think I have it all. My life isn't everyones cup of decaff latte, but it's what works for me. Saying all that, I do sometimes really struggle to fit it all in - and actually in reality, what I find hard is asking for help. Take last week for example, I was hoping for a gentle introduction to 2009, the reality was 3 major pieces of work - all important, all urgent, all a big deal (in my work world!!) and all for people I'm not going to say no to. The result was working until midnight every night last week to get it all done. And I did.

This isn't a piece about poor Tara. Far from it, what I have learnt is that I know I have a choice. I have made choices. I got pretty stressed out part way through the week (the bit where the end seems so far away!) but on Friday night when it was all over I was done. The point is, that I think if I want to (continue to) have it all I might need to develop my understanding of not needing to actually 'do it all' to 'have it all'....

On a different note, I've started making a list of all the things I've ever wanted to do and haven't quite done yet. If anyone fancies doing one too and comparing I'd be delighted. Perhaps we could do some stuff together - there's nothing like a commitment to another to get things done!