I'm feeling particularly harsh this evening. As I'm sat here having just stuffed a piece (at least a quarter) of a very large cake and on my second pint of cider, I'm wallowing in self pity and not feeling all that chipper. I don't like much, am being pretty critical and probably shouldn't be blogging. Shouldn't wouldn't couldn't.
In addition to breaking both my new years resolutions in one fail swoop, I think I'm a large part hormonal, part drained from some 'people issues' at work as well as being tired. Which i think brings me to the point, i am my own worst enemy. Instead of going to bed i want to make the most of every single moment and fill it with stuff.....
But I'm not alone. At least 2 of my pals are going through some sucky times. and without exception they have brought it upon themselves and are then not helping themselves - AND are feeling sorry for themselves. Interesting..... I'm not being hypocritical either as I am doing it myself. The situations are very, very different. but have some very similar threads running through and it makes me contemplate if there is something inherent in humans / human behaviour that makes us try and scupper our best intentions. In effect, become our worst enemies.
My own example is around losing weight. I want to.
I have invested in a PT. good. Been making myself go to the gym. also good. Then, totally stuffing my face like its an Olympic sport. So, not good.
Logically, it should be easy to lose weight - what goes in must equate to less than what goes out. I know there are 3500 (or so) calories in a pound of body weight. That i should move more and eat / drink less. I know, I know, I know. But, I keep sabotaging myself.....
Another example (not mine i hasten to add!!) a friend had been sleeping with his pals wife. Affair ended not too nicely - no-one actually any the wiser but losts of suspicions. Pal decides that perhaps the past should stay in the past and tries to 'make friends again' but friend keeps dropping hints that he's slept with his wife.... why? To punish himself? to punish the pal? to prove that it happened, to himself? who knows why.
So the advice, especially to self. Either do it, or don't. Just stop pretending it's something else. Stop making it harder, stop being a jack ass (I did see your facebook status!) just stop. Even if there is a seemingly good reason for the pretence. Make a choice, be clear (and as Andi would say, "be specific") then Just Fucking Do It - a little less conversation a little more action please.......
P.S It's as simple or as complicated as you make it.
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I think it's probably a mix of punishing himself (for doing what he did) and his pal (for not standing up for himself and not trying to put a stop to it when it was blatantly clear what was going on). I'm sure he gave his pal plenty of hints at the time because he wanted his pal to stop what he was too weak to stop himself doing...
"plenty of hints" WHAAAATT! now whoever anonymous is, they make it sound like the person in question is foolish (certainly isn't taking responsibility for his actions at the time or since) and the person's pal is to blame (how on earth can that be!! he is the one who has been duped by his mate and his own missus! Why should he be "punished" even more than he has been already?!). How is this going to end? To be honest, I'm glad I don't have to listen to this from the person in question, as I think he's brought it upon himself and he should live with the consequences, no matter how painful they are. Lets hope he learns from this mistake and stops arsing about "dropping hints" to someone who should stay well clear of him. He should try to treat others like he wants to be treated himself, and until he thinks about his relationships with others from their point of view, he's not going to get over this (or get what he's done).
I think Anonymous knows full well his own culpability and that the pal isn't to blame in anyway. If you read it Anonymous is clearly saying he knows what he was doing was wrong and, however pathetic and blameful it may sound, hated himself enough for his own weakness that he transposed some of the blame onto the pal and was fully aware of doing so (why would he post that fact otherwise?). I don’t think that equates to actually believing the pal was to blame merely being honest about the way his mind was trying to cope with what he’d done and the way he’d acted – it doesn’t matter how stupid the “friend” is being what matters are the consequences of any future actions. How would you like him to take responsibility because if he’s admitted it to himself (as it appears he has) the only other way to take responsibility is to admit everything to the pal? Wouldn’t that cause more even damage? So the choice for the “friend” is to shut up and accept the pal back, tell the pal everything or tell the pal, without explanation, that they can’t be friends anymore and goodbye? And how does believing the pal is foolish, or rather naïve, imply that the pal is to blame? You’re right the pal should steer well clear of his “friend” but how exactly is that going to happen without his “friend” dismissing him out of hand or telling him the truth? The only other option is to try and live with the lie…
As I’m the one you’re all talking about I want to say yes I know what a piece of shit I’ve been and am perfectly aware of my “culpability” that’s kinda why I don’t talk about it. I don’t need to because I already know! What worries me is the fact that I’m certain she’s just carried on with someone else; yeah I know that sounds hypocritical and it’s better she cheats with someone else than his best mate but cheating on my best friend fucked me over more than anything I’ve ever done and I had my twisted reasons for thinking it was for the best at the time. I know he’s not to blame. I know I’ve been a complete fuck. I know my reasoning was ludicrous to say the least. Doing what I did teared me apart. What I have to deal with now is hiding the fact that not only did I cheat on him but that I’m certain she’s still cheating on him. However fucked up that sounds it’s the reality I have to deal with. Never stopped loving my friend. Never will. But now have to deal with hiding the truth about both me and “his missus”. I can take responsibility for my actions but what the fuck to I do about hers? If there weren’t kids involved I’d come clean but there are and just how do you tell a best friend that his wife was coming onto you and asking “would it be easier if I wasn’t your best friend’s wife” and then go on to say you know she leapt from you to someone else?
My views, for what they are worth are that anon should never have entered into a conversation about, let alone had an 'affair' with the pals missus. At any point during the preamble to the 'affair' he was able to stop it - and to be honest using the excuse that 'she came on to you' and that you were 'too weak to stop yourself' makes it sound like you consider yourself an unwilling victim rather than a cheating shit.
I dont know you (forgive me Tara for blogging this on your blog about one of your mates) but you sound like the lowest of the low as even having done all this and claiming that it tore you apart (what?! don't do it then - duh) think you have the responsibility to play God 'I can take responsibility for my actions but what the fuck to I do about hers' - ITS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. YOU LOST THE RIGHT TO CALL YOURSELF A FRIEND WHEN YOU STARTED IT.
On a different note Tee, loving the blog. Bit sex in the city meets real life dilemas - are you sure you're not making it all up? it sounds like Easties!! xx
Actually what I said was to think it it from your friends point of view - you're saying you have a choice of telling, not telling, being friends, living with the lie etc, but thats all very big headed of you. Actually stop and think for a minute. If this happened to you what would you want - would you want to be told? would you want to be friends with someone who was capable of deceiving you in such a way? if your wife was cheating on you would you prefer to hear about it sooner rather than later? I'm not saying you should tell him if it blows his world apart, as you have the choice of staying way! For goodness sake if you don't tell him and he finds out later (I'm presuming you've told a lot of people about this to try to get over it/work out what you've done/work out what to do) he's not exactly going to be pleased is he?!!! And she could tell him at any point - you've no guarentee she won't. By accepting responsibility I meant you should realise this relationship with your pal will never be the same again, it is your fault, to learn from the mistake, and don't do it to anyone else. And stop going on about it - find something more worthwhile to fill your time with such as finding yourself someone single if you're that desperate for affection.
Alice,
I’ve already posted that I was a shit. That she was coming onto me wasn’t an “excuse” but what makes you think I “started it”? I fully accept my actions and how despicable they were but what is this blind side people seem to have about the cheating partner??? I know that his missus and I are as bad as each other but out of the two of us she was the only one who stood up in public and declared they’d be faithful. That’s not an excuse or diversion that’s simply fact! When she came on to me I did tell her nothing could happen, several times over several weeks, but after several weeks of receiving thirty plus texts a day off her and her statement of she “always gets” what she wants I, stupidly, came to the conclusion that if I just gave into her (and I admit that my desire meant that I did find it hard to keep saying no) then she might back off. Which is actually what happened. I was so stressed about what I was doing that in the end I couldn’t “perform” and then she moved onto someone else. You don’t know the situation (yes it’s easy to say “Duh!” when you’re not in the situation) but suffice to say I didn’t think telling her to get lost was an option – if you really want to know my state of mind at the time I was so depressed and stressed that committing suicide seemed like the only realistic way out. That will probably sound utterly utterly deluded to you (it does to me now) but that is truthfully the state I was in. Even so that doesn’t excuse my actions – I know that! If I thought I had the responsibility to play god I wouldn’t have spent so much time trying to keep my trap shut since my friend got back in touch! I’m not having a go at you Alice, you are quite right and at liberty to tell me how you see things and see me. I’d actually be happier if everyone was as forthright as you.
Peopleshouldtakeresponsibilityfortheiractions,
I would want to know. Until I actually found out the truth and then I’d wish I hadn’t. As for “forgiving” the friend it would depend who it was – 99% of them I’d never forgive, some of them however are too important to me to let them out of my life whatever they did, as long as I knew, – I’d blame my partner more than them. I know what you mean by your “sooner rather than later” comment but the problem is, well, let’s put it this way, if he’d come back to see me a few months ago then I’d have told him. Now things are more complicated – I really don’t want to say more than that. I know my relationship with him can never be the same again, much as I missed him and as much as I love him (yes I know!) I wish he did know everything because at least then if he did come back our friendship would be based on a far more solid foundation. And you are right, I do need to stop talking about it!
I don’t intend to post here again (because I really really do need to stop talking about it!) and will not do unless someone posts something I think cannot go unchallenged - that doesn’t mean I agree with any future comments!
Actually, one last point:
Alice,
If I was the “lowest of the low” then I wouldn’t have been impotent, I’d still be carrying on the affair rather than ending it in the messy way I did, and I wouldn’t have spent the last several months consumed with guilt and beating myself up over it, I wouldn’t give a toss about what I’d done and I certainly wouldn’t be continuing to talk about it seven months after the event!
I know what I’ve done and I’ve screwed myself emotionally and physically over it. Tell me about anyone you know who took three months of counselling and dozens of visits to the doctors to get over an affair!?
I’m not proud of what I did and it still cuts me up but please don’t compare me with the sort of bloke who will merrily fuck someone and doesn’t give a shit. Would I be more of a man if I’d acted that way? I’m sorry if I come across as some poor pathetic specimen of a man for actually feeling guilt. I know what I did was wrong, as my cousin said “there’s nothing I can say because you’ve already said it to yourself”. Do you honestly think my other friends would still be friends with me if they couldn’t see for themselves how fucked up I was over what I did?
I'm not sure where to begin - thanks for commenting on my blog... nearly!!
Clearly cheating, lying, manipulating and recriminations are emotive subjects - which incidentally wasnt the point of the origional blog :(
So what do I think about it? well I wouldn't have put myself in that position so it's a difficult question. I do agree with peopleshouldtakeresponbibility that i'd need to ask myself how i'd want to be treated. I've been cheated on and i swore that in turn i'd never do that to anyone ever again. It isnt the act itself for me it was the sneaking around deception part, the breaking of trust that hurt the most.
I don't know how you make it right anon - you can't change the past, but you can affect what happens next. I don't think I could be friends with someone that I could do that to, i couldn't look them in the eye. Equally it wasn't his fault and i'm not sure that it sounds as though you could tell him in the right way for the right reasons, which i think would leave me with the choice of walking away and leaving it where it belongs, in the past. Mark makes a comment about that only happening if he's dismissed out of hand - but there are always other ways.
Of course, i don't know the details so it's my very black and white veiw of a complicated situation. I do keep saying though, its as simple as you make it.......
peace y'all!!!
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