The blog entry I never wrote........Where did everybody go?!

One of my facebook friends updated their status today stating that 'a true friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out' - which immediately stuck a chord as to how far I've come since being diagnosed with PND almost 3 years ago now.

I'm no longer being treated - and for the most of the time I don't think of the affect it's had on our lives, but sometimes I'm reminded. Some of the effects are profound - I will never have another child, in part through the fear of ever returning to that place in my head I found myself in - and some (like the people who walked in and helped me through it) altered the course of my life forever.

It's funny, those people weren't necessarily the ones who I might have assumed they would have been. I distinctly remember my hen party, I felt so lucky to be surrounded by lovely lovely people. Interestingly, hardly any of those friends were the ones who walked in when I needed them most.

This isn't a pity post or a cheap dig at people - it's been a long long time and I've had enough time to get over myself and most importantly I'm grateful for the people who did step in. Saying that, I do wonder what happened - where did everybody go?!!

I guess when it comes to people, it's impossible to generalise as everyone is different. I Think from my very limited experience, that there are always casualties of depression - especially if its triggered by an event as suddenly you're not the person you once were. I always had a thing about not really telling people what was going on and what I was going through, I withdrew from people - but eventually realised that I couldn't 'blame' people for not being there if I hadn't told them - but telling people for me was a MASSIVE deal. I told 3 friends who I had known for a very long time. One was amazing, the other 2 were not.

In my con-fuddled madness and a couple of months after sharing the issues that I struggled so much to share, I realised that I was the one who always called them, always visited, always emailed, essentially was holding our relationships together. I decided to conduct what I now call a social experiment with some of my friends. When it started it was sparked by withdrawing into the depression, but 3 years later, and the depression gone, I think in part it has shown me both where I've come from but also who my friends now are. I decided, quite simply, to treat others how they treated me. If they called, I'd try to make sure I'd call them back. The last time we stayed at one friends house I mentioned to them that we always went to see them and that in the 7 years we had lived in our house that they had visited (albeit in passing) twice. They promised to visit. They never have.

So does it matter? It used to, but not any more. People walk into and out of our lives. Some stay a while, some stay a very very very long while. What I've learnt is that it needs to be worth investing in and being two-sided - especially as I have so much less time than I used to have. So, it's time (without malice) to draw a line in the sand. All good things might come to those who wait, but they can also come to an end.

2011 - A quick update!

Flipping eck it's been a LONG time!!

Fortunately I am still alive and loving my life! It can be hard work, to juggle every thing and get it all done, but fortunately I like hectic and am not the sort of person that gives up easily!

A lot of things have happened since the last post - and there are a few things that are on my mind right now.

I am still loving the gym. My trainer, Nick left me at Christmas to join the RAF and I now am trialling a new chap called Abs who is desperately trying to reintroduce me to boxing after a long long break. I have accidentally entered the Great South Run in October and am running OK on a treadmill now. I am properly putting off going outside - I have tried to do it. Well, I have tried to try to do it and now the weather is warming up I am running out of excuses not to run. The race is 10miles or around 17k and from where I am sitting right now seems a pretty significant challenge. I know I can do the distance - just the outside bit that's daunting!!

I rejoined slimming world this week. Since hitting my target in June I have very gradually put on a couple of pounds (well, about half a stone!!) and whilst I know it isn't still going upwards, I'm keen to reintroduce some of the good habits that made me feel great from before. In typical Tara stylee, this time I have chosen a more aggressive target - bring off the stone!!

Seb started school in September. His progress is truly amazing. Everyday he says or does something that leaves me temporarily speechless. He knows letters and can read words by blending letters, can write his name and likes all things to do with numbers. I love that he wants to try things, get better and is a fascinating combination of me, Dave and himself. I worry that he gets lost at school - he isn't as outgoing as some of the other children - but I'm sure every parent worries about their children and desparately wants them to be happy and healthy. He is doing good - and is a joy.

We still go to Paultons regularly and have started going to Longdown Activity Farm - mostly because I love all the animals. I think I might be slightly less allergic than I used to be but still not confident enough to get one of my own!!!!!

I would love to get a new tattoo - but can't decide on a design or a location. I wouldn't want to rush into it....its only been 14 years so far.

Mr T is doing very well. Still playing his quirky games both with little men and dwarfs or something online, but I guess it keeps him out of trouble!!

I still have my allotment. It was touch and go whether to give it up and spend more time growing the veggies in the garden...but when it came down to it I couldn't bear to give it up.... As I said at the opening, I don't give much up easily!