Bloody hell, that wasn’t meant to happen..........

So to start, all the smear test results were ok (seriously get your smear done) so thats a massive plus in the bonkers journey of late. What is slightly more confusing is the conversation with the Doctor at my surgery who specialises in the menopause.

Dr ‘So you’re calling about HRT?’
Me ‘Not exactly, I don’t know what that is’
Dr ‘Its not as awful as some people make out’
Me ‘Urm ok, but I still dont know what that is - can we start again? I’m not sure that’s why I am calling, I mean I might be but I just need some advice on next steps......’
Dr ‘Well you need to decide whether you want to take HRT......’
Me ‘I dont know how to do that as I dont know what it is or what it’s for’
Dr ‘I can give you a leaflet’

So I go and read the leaflet (which doesn’t really help if I’m honest) and try looking up menopause on the net and have a large glass of gin instead. I know I’m not that old and as all the medical professionals keep saying ‘nothing is definitive (there isn’t a comprehensive test for it) and if it is that then its really really early’  but geez getting advice type help is painful. It’s almost like women before have never been through this stuff before!! I have been trying to improve my diet and for the short-term stopped alcohol - and one of the biggest on going challenges for me has been how it has knocked against my identity - I am still a vital, sexy badass, albeit one who is actually passing into a different phase of being.

What was interesting though, is that as soon as the Doctor confirmed that peri-menopause was a possibility, not only did the symptoms make sense, somehow it made them much more bearable. For a while I genuinely thought I was losing the plot and as I said before I felt similar to how i felt with PND.
Forward wind a few more weeks and queue another random conversation in September with the Doctor about periods.....

Dr ‘when did you last have a period?’
Me ‘13 years ago’
Dr ‘you’ve not had a period for 13 years?’
Me ‘no, I have a Merina coil’
Dr ‘well after 5 years it wont be stopping your periods so we might as well take it out’
Me ‘are you sure? I very much appreciate not having periods, they used to make me mental to the point of feeling suicidal’
Dr ‘yes, its ineffective and if you’re not having periods now its because they’ve stopped and down to the peri-menopause’
Me ‘well if you are sure..........!!’

Well, you’ve probably guessed - for the first time in 13 and a half years today I found myself in a chemist trying to navigate sanitary products. I’d forgotten what it was like to have to try and work out what and which to choose. I cried in the chemist as it was too overwhelming. All of it.

To be fair it was a culmination of a perfect storm of a shit week or so - I’ve been hormonal, shocked by how I’ve felt, wrestling between the feeling of being out of control emotionally whilst desperately trying to keep (an overly tight) grip on normality which frankly makes me a bit manic, throw in a difficult relationship or two and self selecting sobriety - and my usual act of juggling 30 plates was (Is!) seriously in danger of crashing. Oh and I’ve been trying to lose weight - and so far its resulted in a pound (3 weeks, 1lb) apparently its because its harder when you’re old (love you friend who told me that!) and that well maybe the case - except after coming to terms with all those facts, my body is changing its mind. Whilst I’m pretty comfortable with shades of uncertainly most of the time - sometimes I crave of something straight forward a definitive answer to what’s going on. This time I’m not going to get so the answer might be to seek simplicity, giving myself time and being as kind to myself as I am to others............

Where did those three years go? I suddenly feel (even) older......

It’s been a long time since I wrote a blog post, and without checking I suspect the last one was about how i was approaching some sort of change and that I would do more blogging (but likely didn’t!) That’s the funny thing about life, it happens - and we all do have the same amount of hours in the day so it is all about priorities. 

I tend to write to help myself navigate the whirling thoughts in my head - it enables me to order them and put them in line, on ‘paper’ and out of my mind and i do it when i think changes are a foot. 

At the moment I don’t feel so great - and haven’t felt ‘myself’ for a couple of years now. Some of it currently is due to returning from a lush holiday of excess with the boys and feeling lethargic and heavy (I’m past fluffy!) and other parts due to the mental affect of two sets of test results I had had previously - one 3 years ago which I didn’t know about and one set just before we went away which I ‘accidentally’ got the results from. 

So, I had gone for my regular smear test (do it, its important) and was (as is entirely normal for me) randomly wittering to the nurse. We were talking about all sorts of medically related things, she was questioning some of my (to her at least) random choices and happened to mention that my last smear showed some abnormalities. Without going into details it was an interesting discussion because i was certain I was never told and she said the details would have been in the follow up letter. I was a bit stunned to be honest, as following a period of abnormal scans, i had only just returned to the normal 3 year test cycle and always take that part of my health seriously. 

The upshot of that is that 3 years ago something wasn’t right and it was only by a chance conversation that i found out. 

As a curious person (and one slightly thrown by this point) I then said “Whilst you’ve got my notes open, is there anything else i should know about?” After a quick scan and lots of comments about ‘rashes’ (on my face, which weren’t a bloody rash!) she replied “nothing that wouldn’t be affected by the fact you are menopausal - but great to see that your liver is functioning normally” - yeay, but I’m sorry, what?!

Cutting a long story short, I’ve been feeling ‘odd’ for the past two and a half years. I remember having a conversation with a friend around that time about some of the things going on and he suggested that it might be down to the 7 year life cycles that we go through and was just down to a new one and that it was entirely normal as we got older. At that time it was just little things I’d noticed but they weren’t consistent and in isolation weren’t too problematic. My enthusiasm for a few things (exercise, my libido, life) were at that point were very subtly up and down and so decided that it was likely down to a few detracting factors (starting to not enjoy my job, self medicating a little bit with alcohol, always suffered a bit with mood shifts) and dealt with the items individually and with vigour.   

Around 10 years ago i was diagnosed with PND and more recently I’d begun to notice some of the feelings, thoughts and behaviours I had at that time - which quite honestly is not a good thing! A few weeks ago now i decided that rather than ignore it like last time (almost 3 years before realising I didn’t want that to be me anymore) i made a list of all the stuff i was experiencing (forgetting things, low libido, not being able to remember words, cant be arsed, feeling hot sometimes, major mood swings, crying, feeling really, really angry suddenly, feeling anxious and gaining weight) and suddenly had one of those lightbulb moments - what if i wasn’t depressed, what if i was peri-menopausal?

After a funny conversation with the doctor about vasectomies (which I’ll spare you of!) he kept telling me that very likely too young to be menopausal and that my choices were counselling, medication or a non-conclusive menopause test. Counselling worked well for me before so he gave me the info and just as i was leaving said that he’d like me to do the tests anyway. So i did. And until the conversation with the nurse (who was then mortified that I hadn’t been told the news before and would have phrased it differently if she had thought I didn’t already know) I hadn’t heard anything else. 

My smear test results will take a few weeks apparently and when they arrive I need to go and see a doctor about what to do next (about ALL the info i recently received) and what i can do to help myself. I do know that there are things i can do to help feel better which include diet and exercise (and definitely drinking less that i did on holiday!!!!) I’m just not sure what they are just yet and how i will approach it. But i will approach it, I’m going to work out how to not let it define me and i’m going try and treat it as an opportunity to get healthier and happier....... and not completely destroy my liver!