It’s been a long time since I wrote a blog post, and without checking I suspect the last one was about how i was approaching some sort of change and that I would do more blogging (but likely didn’t!) That’s the funny thing about life, it happens - and we all do have the same amount of hours in the day so it is all about priorities.
I tend to write to help myself navigate the whirling thoughts in my head - it enables me to order them and put them in line, on ‘paper’ and out of my mind and i do it when i think changes are a foot.
At the moment I don’t feel so great - and haven’t felt ‘myself’ for a couple of years now. Some of it currently is due to returning from a lush holiday of excess with the boys and feeling lethargic and heavy (I’m past fluffy!) and other parts due to the mental affect of two sets of test results I had had previously - one 3 years ago which I didn’t know about and one set just before we went away which I ‘accidentally’ got the results from.
So, I had gone for my regular smear test (do it, its important) and was (as is entirely normal for me) randomly wittering to the nurse. We were talking about all sorts of medically related things, she was questioning some of my (to her at least) random choices and happened to mention that my last smear showed some abnormalities. Without going into details it was an interesting discussion because i was certain I was never told and she said the details would have been in the follow up letter. I was a bit stunned to be honest, as following a period of abnormal scans, i had only just returned to the normal 3 year test cycle and always take that part of my health seriously.
The upshot of that is that 3 years ago something wasn’t right and it was only by a chance conversation that i found out.
As a curious person (and one slightly thrown by this point) I then said “Whilst you’ve got my notes open, is there anything else i should know about?” After a quick scan and lots of comments about ‘rashes’ (on my face, which weren’t a bloody rash!) she replied “nothing that wouldn’t be affected by the fact you are menopausal - but great to see that your liver is functioning normally” - yeay, but I’m sorry, what?!
Cutting a long story short, I’ve been feeling ‘odd’ for the past two and a half years. I remember having a conversation with a friend around that time about some of the things going on and he suggested that it might be down to the 7 year life cycles that we go through and was just down to a new one and that it was entirely normal as we got older. At that time it was just little things I’d noticed but they weren’t consistent and in isolation weren’t too problematic. My enthusiasm for a few things (exercise, my libido, life) were at that point were very subtly up and down and so decided that it was likely down to a few detracting factors (starting to not enjoy my job, self medicating a little bit with alcohol, always suffered a bit with mood shifts) and dealt with the items individually and with vigour.
Around 10 years ago i was diagnosed with PND and more recently I’d begun to notice some of the feelings, thoughts and behaviours I had at that time - which quite honestly is not a good thing! A few weeks ago now i decided that rather than ignore it like last time (almost 3 years before realising I didn’t want that to be me anymore) i made a list of all the stuff i was experiencing (forgetting things, low libido, not being able to remember words, cant be arsed, feeling hot sometimes, major mood swings, crying, feeling really, really angry suddenly, feeling anxious and gaining weight) and suddenly had one of those lightbulb moments - what if i wasn’t depressed, what if i was peri-menopausal?
After a funny conversation with the doctor about vasectomies (which I’ll spare you of!) he kept telling me that very likely too young to be menopausal and that my choices were counselling, medication or a non-conclusive menopause test. Counselling worked well for me before so he gave me the info and just as i was leaving said that he’d like me to do the tests anyway. So i did. And until the conversation with the nurse (who was then mortified that I hadn’t been told the news before and would have phrased it differently if she had thought I didn’t already know) I hadn’t heard anything else.
My smear test results will take a few weeks apparently and when they arrive I need to go and see a doctor about what to do next (about ALL the info i recently received) and what i can do to help myself. I do know that there are things i can do to help feel better which include diet and exercise (and definitely drinking less that i did on holiday!!!!) I’m just not sure what they are just yet and how i will approach it. But i will approach it, I’m going to work out how to not let it define me and i’m going try and treat it as an opportunity to get healthier and happier....... and not completely destroy my liver!
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