Bloody hell, that wasn’t meant to happen..........

So to start, all the smear test results were ok (seriously get your smear done) so thats a massive plus in the bonkers journey of late. What is slightly more confusing is the conversation with the Doctor at my surgery who specialises in the menopause.

Dr ‘So you’re calling about HRT?’
Me ‘Not exactly, I don’t know what that is’
Dr ‘Its not as awful as some people make out’
Me ‘Urm ok, but I still dont know what that is - can we start again? I’m not sure that’s why I am calling, I mean I might be but I just need some advice on next steps......’
Dr ‘Well you need to decide whether you want to take HRT......’
Me ‘I dont know how to do that as I dont know what it is or what it’s for’
Dr ‘I can give you a leaflet’

So I go and read the leaflet (which doesn’t really help if I’m honest) and try looking up menopause on the net and have a large glass of gin instead. I know I’m not that old and as all the medical professionals keep saying ‘nothing is definitive (there isn’t a comprehensive test for it) and if it is that then its really really early’  but geez getting advice type help is painful. It’s almost like women before have never been through this stuff before!! I have been trying to improve my diet and for the short-term stopped alcohol - and one of the biggest on going challenges for me has been how it has knocked against my identity - I am still a vital, sexy badass, albeit one who is actually passing into a different phase of being.

What was interesting though, is that as soon as the Doctor confirmed that peri-menopause was a possibility, not only did the symptoms make sense, somehow it made them much more bearable. For a while I genuinely thought I was losing the plot and as I said before I felt similar to how i felt with PND.
Forward wind a few more weeks and queue another random conversation in September with the Doctor about periods.....

Dr ‘when did you last have a period?’
Me ‘13 years ago’
Dr ‘you’ve not had a period for 13 years?’
Me ‘no, I have a Merina coil’
Dr ‘well after 5 years it wont be stopping your periods so we might as well take it out’
Me ‘are you sure? I very much appreciate not having periods, they used to make me mental to the point of feeling suicidal’
Dr ‘yes, its ineffective and if you’re not having periods now its because they’ve stopped and down to the peri-menopause’
Me ‘well if you are sure..........!!’

Well, you’ve probably guessed - for the first time in 13 and a half years today I found myself in a chemist trying to navigate sanitary products. I’d forgotten what it was like to have to try and work out what and which to choose. I cried in the chemist as it was too overwhelming. All of it.

To be fair it was a culmination of a perfect storm of a shit week or so - I’ve been hormonal, shocked by how I’ve felt, wrestling between the feeling of being out of control emotionally whilst desperately trying to keep (an overly tight) grip on normality which frankly makes me a bit manic, throw in a difficult relationship or two and self selecting sobriety - and my usual act of juggling 30 plates was (Is!) seriously in danger of crashing. Oh and I’ve been trying to lose weight - and so far its resulted in a pound (3 weeks, 1lb) apparently its because its harder when you’re old (love you friend who told me that!) and that well maybe the case - except after coming to terms with all those facts, my body is changing its mind. Whilst I’m pretty comfortable with shades of uncertainly most of the time - sometimes I crave of something straight forward a definitive answer to what’s going on. This time I’m not going to get so the answer might be to seek simplicity, giving myself time and being as kind to myself as I am to others............

Where did those three years go? I suddenly feel (even) older......

It’s been a long time since I wrote a blog post, and without checking I suspect the last one was about how i was approaching some sort of change and that I would do more blogging (but likely didn’t!) That’s the funny thing about life, it happens - and we all do have the same amount of hours in the day so it is all about priorities. 

I tend to write to help myself navigate the whirling thoughts in my head - it enables me to order them and put them in line, on ‘paper’ and out of my mind and i do it when i think changes are a foot. 

At the moment I don’t feel so great - and haven’t felt ‘myself’ for a couple of years now. Some of it currently is due to returning from a lush holiday of excess with the boys and feeling lethargic and heavy (I’m past fluffy!) and other parts due to the mental affect of two sets of test results I had had previously - one 3 years ago which I didn’t know about and one set just before we went away which I ‘accidentally’ got the results from. 

So, I had gone for my regular smear test (do it, its important) and was (as is entirely normal for me) randomly wittering to the nurse. We were talking about all sorts of medically related things, she was questioning some of my (to her at least) random choices and happened to mention that my last smear showed some abnormalities. Without going into details it was an interesting discussion because i was certain I was never told and she said the details would have been in the follow up letter. I was a bit stunned to be honest, as following a period of abnormal scans, i had only just returned to the normal 3 year test cycle and always take that part of my health seriously. 

The upshot of that is that 3 years ago something wasn’t right and it was only by a chance conversation that i found out. 

As a curious person (and one slightly thrown by this point) I then said “Whilst you’ve got my notes open, is there anything else i should know about?” After a quick scan and lots of comments about ‘rashes’ (on my face, which weren’t a bloody rash!) she replied “nothing that wouldn’t be affected by the fact you are menopausal - but great to see that your liver is functioning normally” - yeay, but I’m sorry, what?!

Cutting a long story short, I’ve been feeling ‘odd’ for the past two and a half years. I remember having a conversation with a friend around that time about some of the things going on and he suggested that it might be down to the 7 year life cycles that we go through and was just down to a new one and that it was entirely normal as we got older. At that time it was just little things I’d noticed but they weren’t consistent and in isolation weren’t too problematic. My enthusiasm for a few things (exercise, my libido, life) were at that point were very subtly up and down and so decided that it was likely down to a few detracting factors (starting to not enjoy my job, self medicating a little bit with alcohol, always suffered a bit with mood shifts) and dealt with the items individually and with vigour.   

Around 10 years ago i was diagnosed with PND and more recently I’d begun to notice some of the feelings, thoughts and behaviours I had at that time - which quite honestly is not a good thing! A few weeks ago now i decided that rather than ignore it like last time (almost 3 years before realising I didn’t want that to be me anymore) i made a list of all the stuff i was experiencing (forgetting things, low libido, not being able to remember words, cant be arsed, feeling hot sometimes, major mood swings, crying, feeling really, really angry suddenly, feeling anxious and gaining weight) and suddenly had one of those lightbulb moments - what if i wasn’t depressed, what if i was peri-menopausal?

After a funny conversation with the doctor about vasectomies (which I’ll spare you of!) he kept telling me that very likely too young to be menopausal and that my choices were counselling, medication or a non-conclusive menopause test. Counselling worked well for me before so he gave me the info and just as i was leaving said that he’d like me to do the tests anyway. So i did. And until the conversation with the nurse (who was then mortified that I hadn’t been told the news before and would have phrased it differently if she had thought I didn’t already know) I hadn’t heard anything else. 

My smear test results will take a few weeks apparently and when they arrive I need to go and see a doctor about what to do next (about ALL the info i recently received) and what i can do to help myself. I do know that there are things i can do to help feel better which include diet and exercise (and definitely drinking less that i did on holiday!!!!) I’m just not sure what they are just yet and how i will approach it. But i will approach it, I’m going to work out how to not let it define me and i’m going try and treat it as an opportunity to get healthier and happier....... and not completely destroy my liver!

End of day 5 update

I went to the pub for dinner and drinks with friends last night. Except I didn't because at this very moment I am utterly committed to my 90 day Shift, Shape and Sustain plan. As the girls were sitting down for their food and booze, I was at home getting ready to tuck into Italian sausage and beef casserole. It wasnt all doom and gloom, I finished my food and headed over to the pub to drink lime and soda and a diet coke. It was a lovely evening and I was very much looking forward to waking up without a hangover - except I feel awful. I think i'm coming down with a cold. boo.

SO. How has my first working week on the 90 day plan been? It's been ok actually! The preparation and cooking I did last weekend definitely put me on the front foot food wise. I had purchased little plastic pots to put the cooked food in and although there was a little repetition over meals it meant that it was pretty easy to stick to the plan. On Sunday i had cooked enough meals to last Monday - Wednesday and on Wednesday night I cooked enough food to cover until Saturday lunchtime.

My work colleagues think that i'm pretty weird for choosing to eat cold, spicy mined turkey for breakfast - and I have to admit it was a little bit odd to start with - but i'm seeing food as fuel to give my body what it needs to get through the day.

There have been a number of other mental (and physical!) challenges too. My boss returning from the Haribo Museum with a sackful off sweets (my favourite!!) and leaving them on my desk has been interesting. I find myself gravitating towards them without thinking and catching myself! I've done that quite a few times  - I've not caved - and realise that it's quite the habit.

When I was cooking I also found that I wanted to nibble at the stuff - but had to remind myself that I wasn't actually hungry  and that I would have been 'borrowing' food from the next day! Also I have to resist licking the spoons and chucking in a bit more. Accuracy has never really been appealing to me!

I've eaten more than enough food this week - it isn't a plan that will leave  you hungry. In fact one day I went to the gym and upon return had chosen a 'build up bagel' for my carb refuel meal. I had to go straight to a meeting and to conform to the 'eat within an hour after workout' methodology needed to eat in the meeting. I pulled out my bagel - and the meeting instantly stopped so the group could examine just how much food I was to eat on my 'diet' - I was a little bit embarrassed, so ate 3/4 then finished the rest after the meeting had ended over an hour later.

I've enjoyed working out at home - the first day I did the beginners hiit YouTube work out I worried that I wouldn't be able to sustain it. I'm not new to exercise and it was TOUGH. I think though on reflection if you put in effort it should be tough, However fit, you put in the same effort as someone less fit - it's all relative.

On day 2 I didn't finish work until 7.30pm and have an hour commute. at 8.30 when i got home I was tired, but had decided on a hiit and had cooked food to support a hiit - so had to do a hiit!! I felt better for it and I think that I would have not bothered if I hadn't already preppped the food!

The physical challenges have been fewer - unless you count headaches on day 3 and 4. My head was pounding by the time I went to bed. I dont know if it was the heat, work stress or sugar withdrawal. By day 5 it was easing off. Unfortunately on day 6 as i'm sat here now I think I'm going down with a stinking cold. Again I dont know if that is coincidental, but I do seem to get sick when I change my eating patterns - even though I've also been ensuring i'm taking in all the recommended vitamins.

I received an email yesterday from Joe reminding me that I have a support hero called Elliot as part of the plan - I have heard nothing from him and if i'm honest i'm not sure what he's meant to do. In fact apart from that email I've not heard anything from the center. it's disappointing. I think I will email Elliot and ask him what he;s meant to do for me! I've needed a bit of support this week - and i'm very lucky that I've a friend who understands the plan and does hiit (Hi Jo and thank you!! xx) who has been at the end of a message or 200! It's really helped get me though to share stuff.

I really really know i'm not meant to weigh myself - however I of course have. And on day 6 I seem to have lost 11lbs...... let's see how that stacks up on day 90. At the moment i'm utterly determined to get to day 90 :)

The Lean in 15 journey so far - i'm knackered and I've yet to really begin......!!

I've been following the body coach methodology very loosely on and off for a couple of months. Before going on our holidays I'd been doing alright (even winning two dietbets - more on that another time!) and had said that as long as it was working I'd continue to follow the plan.

Then we went away and so somehow for the past 4 weeks I've returned to being an idiot (on reading my past blog posts, i can see this isn't a new phenomenon!) eating without appreciating and mindlessly mainlining sugar.  

 For the past month or so, my eating has gotten way out of hand. I've been massively craving sugar and this summer I've eaten more ice cream and drunk more booze than is good for me. Whist I don't really want to stop the partying (or festivalling in my case!) it's time to regain a bit of balance - before i can no longer get into clothes sold in most clothes shops!!

So, the decision was made and almost as soon as we got back home I signed up for the body coach SSS 90 day plan. It was a Sunday night and I was ready so ready for it. I'd made myself ill overeating and being the impatient little madam I am - I wanted to have the plan in hand and start it already.

So then came the first blow - after you have completed a short-ish questionnaire and sent off some body shots (note to self cut off your head first!!) you have to wait 5 days for your individual plan to arrive. 5 days doesn't sound very long - but I'm an impatient sort. When i decide something, it's decided, time for dithering has ended and the cracking on should begin immediately.

I complained of its absence on an at least daily basis to my lovely friend and Joe Wicks uber-fan, Jo M who reminded me that I should make the most of the time remaining as when it does arrive the real hard work begins!!

At 4am on Thursday morning, 4 days after signing upto the SSS 90 day plan, my personalised Shift plan arrived. I have to be honest - as the owner of 2 of the body coaches books I was really disappointed. What I was sent was pretty substantial - 84 pages of information to be precise - but the bit i found difficult was menu planning and working the different meal types around your HIIT exercise sessions - and quite honestly this didn't do that. In fact it pretty much gave you what the books do - but I guess the quantities are for me and my expanding frame!!

It took me a couple of days to read the book - work is manic and i know from past experience that the menu planning part of the diet always takes me ages. I set aside Saturday night (because I'm so rock and roll) to meal plan......... and meal plan I did - for an hour and a half.

Roll onto Sunday - and I realise that some of the meals wont work so after a quick (hour!) reshuffle, I head off to the supermarket to get the (£101!!!!!!!! gulp) worth of ingredients for the first week. This so far isn't a diet for the less well off.................................

Not only was this shop loads more expensive than usual but shopping for new types of stuff (hot sauce?!!) also took an hour and 40 minutes - twice as long as a standard shop.

So onto the cooking. Mr Wicks recommends batch cooking and prepping 'like a boss' so at 3pm i began the epic prepping that resulted in 3 portions of chicken stir fry, 6 turkey wrapped muffin snacks, 6 portions of spicy lean minced turkey and 4 portions of honey spiced chicken and paprika potatoes. That's enough food until Wednesday apparently!!! #leanin15 (where 15 is the hours I've spent getting ready to start.......) it blooming better be because at 6pm I was asked by 2 hungry boys what was for dinner. So off I got cooking again!!!!!!!

Ah well, hopefully I've gone through the negative elements of the plan and its all downhill (weight!) from here on in. 

Will keep you posted.... :)

It's been how long?!

Three years or there about. Blimey that's gone quickly!

 I think about blogging a lot - usually in the car on the way to work or at the gym or whilst doing the food shopping - y'know, all of those times when you can't really do productive thing about it. I even wrote an entry the old fashioned way recently, whilst sitting by a pool on holiday using a pen and paper.....it's still in my notebook!

So this time, I've a reason to return.

Things have changed enormously in the past 3 years - I've a lovely new job after leaving the organisation I had worked for for almost 18 years, I completed my 40 for 40 challenges, my hair's different, my commute and so daily routine is different, I've joined a second gym, the weirdos i'm proud to call my friends have changed and their personal situations (getting married and divorced, some even passing away) is also different. Reassuringly though, many things remain the same!

The thing that really bugs me is that I've put on weight. I went through a period of time where I was very unhappy at some of the things going on and gradually over time I've put on a couple of stone.

There. I've said it. I sorta let myself go.

I say 'sorta' because through it all I've not stopped exercising - in fact now i probably do as much if not more than I've ever done as my shiny 'new' job commute allows me to walk for an hour everyday. It's my eating, or more specifically my love of sweets combined with a love of booze that has become unbalanced. So, enough is enough. Time to stop whinging about it and how fat I feel and embrace something new.

For the past couple of months I have been loosely following The Body Coach's methodology as shown in his books and YouTube workouts and decided before we went on holiday in August that as soon as we came back I'd bite the bullet and sign up to his tailored plan. So I did - and I'm going to update my progress and experience through my blog.

You never know, I might even get back into 'normal' (pfft - who am I kidding? I don't do normal!) blogging whilst I'm at it.

Watch this space!!

The post-Glastonbury effect..................... or Eat, Sleep, Rave, Repeat

 

For literally 2 weeks after the music festival that was Glastonbury 2013, I couldn’t sleep properly. I would wake up convinced I was sleeping/ dancing somewhere in a field, surrounded by people, panicking that they might steal my ipad and wondering why someone (Dave!!!) was sleeping next to me. I was *only* away for 5 nights and I don’t remember waking up whilst I was away in a disorientated manner. On reflection this was probably in part due to be knackered from dancing so much, the booze, that I didn’t use my brain at all whilst away and that some of us didn’t actually sleep too much!!

On reflection, I think it was as a result of my tiny-mind trying to bring the different worlds together and make the experience more ‘normal.’ I joke that I left my brain and 20 years of my life in the car when I arrived – but almost everything was different from how I more usually am.

Before I went, people kept asking which bands I was looking forward to seeing – and I have to be honest that before arriving I hadn’t even had chance to look at the line up! Leading up to departure, my life was busy – its always busy, but running up to the actual day before leaving, I had college coursework to finish and exams to do, work to fit it, the gym to go to, and a very important 7th birthday celebrate!

I had to leave at lunchtime on a Wednesday, which on the day gave me just about enough time to get my legs waxed, pack my stuff into my car and work out which Little Chef car park to meet the others in and drive……….. So I did, and it did me well.

Normally, I’m a planner and a control freak. I like to know what I’m doing, when I’m doing it and with whom. Having secured my ticket, I almost pulled out on 2 clear occasions. Going to a festival (my first for 14 years!) with 6 people (5 of whom I had never met before and the 6th I don’t know very well having worked together around 10 years ago!) was daunting – there was so much to prepare, so much that was uncertain and so much that was ill-defined.

To be honest though, just going with it made the whole experience more  liberating. I could curtail my bossy organisey ways and go with the group flow. The people I met were lovely and properly made the festival for me. Even though they were strangers on day one, I was always made to feel welcome and we looked out for each other – I herded the cats when they were pissed and they helped me not get hopelessly lost whilst untethered. I was reassured that I care for people and that I look out for them - and they did for me.

I didn’t know at any point of the festival where I was – I couldn’t get my bearings, but then I didn’t have to. As long as I didn’t leave everyone I was never lost! For the entire 5 days the most taxing decision I had to make was what to eat and drink (and sometimes I left that to others!) I was literally not responsible for anyone, anything or to anyone for the first time probably in my entire life - and whilst it can be hard for (some) others to hear, for that period of time, I absolutely loved it and was determined to make the most of every single second.

So, almost a month on, what’s stuck with me? what’s turned back to normal? and what would I like to do more of as a result of the experience?

Life has mostly returned to normal and I love my life so that’s not a bad thing.
I am trying to be a bit more open to new people and look for new experiences. Being a bit more 'flowey' meant that I was open to meeting some people I wouldn’t normally have, who were properly awesome and we shared some of THE best times. 

I learnt that I liked things I didn’t know I liked. Like dancing, dance music, being outside and cider. I thought I knew myself pretty well – and I've always, always, always felt awkward and self-conscious dancing. I’ve never been able to do it for the sake of it, because I was feeling the music and because I was having a brilliant time. I've always been more of a ‘propping up the bar’ type – loved going out, but more to chat to friends, having a giggle, often listening to live music but never to dance. And at this time in my life, I really did dance. Literally all night one night, staying to watch Goldie, the very last act of the entire festival starting at 4am on the Sunday night. Who knew I had it in me?!

I also want to take Seb camping. I like it and whilst Dave hates it, it shouldn’t stop us from spending time under canvas – even if it’s in the garden to start with! It should and will be an adventure. I want him to like the outdoors and whilst I suspect it won’t come naturally to him I want it to be part of his childhood. This is one I will need to work on.

Finally, I want to go to Glastonbury again with the festy-crew. To be honest though, if not Glastonbury, some other new exciting thing / festival. I don’t want to go to relive Glastonbury 2013. I want to go again because it can never be the same – but I know it would be superb fun and another adventure in its own right. I loved hanging out with new friends and having new experiences. But the emphasis isn’t on the new – its on the friendships and the experience.

I shall treasure that weekend for those reasons forever. Certainly at least until we can get together for the next one…........... November isn't it?!

Not just a river in Egypt

‘Mrs Tomley, I think you probably have skin cancer’ were not the words I was expecting to hear from the consultant at the hospital earlier this week. I’m not too sure why it came as such a surprise, after all, he was the third doctor to utter something similar to me over the past few months – but surprised I was none-the-less.

Even so, I still think they are wrong, in fact my denial is so strong that I would be prepared to put actual cash on the fact that, even having about 12 years medical training in an area of specialism, that they (yes, all of them!!) don’t know what they are talking about.

My refusal to accept the facts is really interesting (to me at least!!) as I am a person in acceptance of my denial. I know it’s there and I am aware of how utterly convinced I am that I am right and I know that I am doing it. I guess it’s a coping mechanism (that, and the refusal to google skin cancer) because the alternatives – worrying about something I can’t control, which might happen, will hurt and will mark me for life and which maybe bigger and more life altering than all of that – are not an attractive prospect and one which if I thought about it too much would freak the hell out of me.

So, I shall approach it step by step, eating the elephant piece by piece. The next appointment has been made and they’ll take “little biopsy” (it’s obviously not the woman making the appointment’s face!) which will need stitching and then they can come up with some answers and decide what to do next. Interestingly all the ‘options’ so far discussed are to combat skin cancer, and we’ve already established that I don’t have that…….haven’t we!?????